This past week, I visited my parents from Tuesday through Sunday to celebrate Thanksgiving. For some reason, I am having trouble figuring out how to start this. Maybe walking through the story of the week will help provide me with some clarity.

On Tuesday evening, I picked up Melanie and we drove to my parents place for the week. At the time, she was at her boyfriends house and his parents wanted to meet me. Things went well and I thought they seemed nice. We got to my parents house at around 6PM. On the drive, Melanie mentioned that the plan was to go out for dinner every night while we were back except the night we got back. She mentioned that her and my other sisters were against the idea. It is nice to spend thanksgiving at home and going out for dinner is a different, possibly more stressful, dynamic. I thought I understood where she was coming from but at the same time, the idea of going out for dinner didn’t really bother me. We got back, had branzino for dinner, relaxed, and went to bed.

Recently, my parents acquired a farm around 30 minutes away from the house which they are actively running. This has been the first non-family oriented job my mom has had since before me and Haley were born. She has gone from recreationally horseback riding and taking care of Buddy to answering emails at 7AM and working on the farm until 5PM each day. It makes me happy seeing how she has quickly moved into the role and associated responsibility and from my perspective, the change has been good for her. She works Tuesday through Sunday with Monday off though she also took off Thursday this week. She spent all day there on Wednesday. I used vacation time for the entire week, but Melanie and Chelsea who had gotten back from school a week earlier both had some work to get done that day. Even so, me and Chelsea went on a run in the morning and did a core workout video. As usual, her 6 minute abs workout was intense for me. When my parents got back, we went out for dinner.

My mom likes to be the driver when we are in the car. I remember when I was in elementary school, I didn’t really wear a seatbelt when my parents drove. But even knowing that she is generally an aggressive driver, something felt a bit different this time. On the way to the restaurant she was going around 85 in a 55 and wasn’t really using turn signals. Maybe it is that I am getting older and more aware, I’m not sure. Anyways, we got to the restaurant which was a relief. It was a really good Greek-style place. Me and my mom got a drink at with dinner. Usually I would avoid doing this. In the back of my mind part of me was worried about what my family would think if I got a drink. Easier just to not do it. But recently, I had been trying to be less restrictive with myself and I figured I don’t have a problem with drinking and it is ridiculous to not get a drink so that people don’t think I have a problem with something I don’t have a problem with. Anyways, Haley was getting back at 11 that night. The original plan was for one of us to pick her up from the airport but my mom mentioned that she should just take an Uber and that they would pay for it. Honestly, I was/am on my parents side for this but Haley was upset by this. Me, Melanie, and Chelsea stayed up until she got back. When she got in she was a bit salty. I said I didn’t think it was that big of a deal and she mentioned that she was told she would get picked up by Chelsea. Everyone blamed my parents for saying she should take an Uber, but in my opinion, it isn’t really their fault.

Thursday was Thanksgiving. We went out for dinner to a nice steakhouse. While we were there, somehow the conversation came to us visiting her at the farm the next day. We settled on going at around 2:30 the next day. When we got back from the restaurant, we went on a family walk with Pico and Buddy. Buddy turned 6 a few months ago. For the past few years, he has had a bit of a weight problem. His hip also isn’t doing very well. He takes dog Advil every morning to help him with moving around. The plan was to do a quick walk around the block. It was nice, but Buddy stopped every few steps to sit and my dad was pulling him along by his leash. I didn’t think the pulling was bad. More of a nudge than trying to drag him, but it upset Melanie. She told him to stop pulling Buddy like that. When we got back, my parents went upstairs for a bit. We were going to do another ‘siblings walk’. My sister who was upset stayed outside and was crying.

Shortly after going upstairs, my parents came down and Haley mentioned jokingly that Melanie was being too sensitive. She was outside crying about Buddy’s condition. While she was saying this, I felt in the back of my mind that it was the wrong topic to bring up. We went on the walk. My sisters were talking about how Buddy isn’t doing well. One thing I try not to do is talk behind peoples backs. When everyone was asking what I thought, I was making excuses for my parents. ‘He is a pulling dog not a running dog’. I tend to do this a lot when conversations turn to talking about people behind their backs. How should I handle this going forward? The first thing that comes to mind is if I agree with the sentiment and feel it is important, bring it up with the person independently rather than aimless complaining. During the conversation, avoid making guesses about the persons motives and listen intently to better understand the problem from different angles. Anyways, when we got back my parents were upstairs. Pico was by the door when it opened but Buddy wasn’t around.

As we were taking off our shoes, we heard the door to my parents room open. My dad walked down the stairs. Most of the relevant conversations over the break are paraphrased. He said ‘You know if you’re going to be upset about how we treat our dog maybe you shouldn’t be here anymore’. I looked at his face for a few seconds. As usually happens in these kinds of situations, I felt blood rush to my head adrenaline but I was working to keep myself under control. I said ‘I understand’. He turned and went back up the stairs, the door closed, we were left in the kitchen looking at each other like ‘great this again’. Melanie ran upstairs to her room and was crying there and me, Haley, and Chelsea were in the kitchen. I think Haley started the conversation. I said when he said that the first thing that went through my mind was ‘ok I’ll leave now’. Chelsea said not to do that. We spoke for a bit, maybe 3 minutes. Then I wasn’t talking, I was pacing back and forth in the living room. Haley and Chelsea were talking but I wasn’t listening. I wasn’t thinking either, just pacing.

I’m pretty sure I have written about similar situations to this before. The first time I remember was Haley’s graduation, then it was South Africa, and now it happened again. I had told myself that I wouldn’t put up with that anymore. One thing I still don’t understand is my dad is so smart, level headed, and logical. So why does he say these things when I don’t think he believes it at all? The story is always someone says something which hits mom the wrong way, she explodes and wants to hurt us, and she tells dad what to say and he says it like both of them believe it. My body moved on its own. I walked up the stairs and was outside my parents door. I felt anxious. I stood there for maybe 30 seconds. I knocked quietly almost like I didn’t want to be heard and waited. No response. The thought crossed my mind that I could walk downstairs. I knocked again this time louder. Not banging on the door but a firm indoor knock. I heard my dad say ‘we’re sleeping’. ‘Can we talk?’. ‘I think I said everything that needs to be said.’ At this point my memory is fuzzy. I don’t remember the full conversation through the door but it probably lasted around 90 seconds. I was pretty much on auto-pilot. I said something like ‘I just want to let you know it hurts when you say you don’t want us around’. ‘It hurts when you make us feel like we aren’t treating Buddy right’. ‘I understand… and it sucks and I just want you to know when you tell us you don’t want us around it hurts’. ‘Well if you don’t want that to happen, don’t make us feel that way… Don’t talk about things that aren’t happy’. ‘Not every conversation needs to be happy. It hurts when you say things like that and… That’s all’. I went downstairs.

When I got downstairs, Haley and Chelsea were looking at me shocked. I walked into the kitchen, looked at both of them, let out a sigh, and sat at the table. At this point I was pretty drained. They were listening to the conversation. Haley said something like she was impressed that I did that. Chelsea said it was like I was able to distill and articulate years of unaddressed conflict in that conversation. I felt that way also. We sat there for a short time, maybe 30 seconds, and we hear the door to my parents room open. Footsteps down the stairs, and my dad walks into the kitchen. ‘We’re sorry, we love you and we are always happy when you come home’. I got up, gave him a hug, and said I love you too. Haley said ‘You shouldn’t say that or we won’t want to come back and you should also apologize to Melanie’. At the time, I felt like bludgeoning someone during an apology is the wrong time. I said ‘we all love each other’, we hugged, and my dad went upstairs to talk to Melanie.

We spoke downstairs a bit longer. ‘What does this mean for tomorrow?’ To me, the apology meant it was in the past. I said ‘I think tomorrow will be a normal day’. Haley and Chelsea went upstairs to check on Melanie. Eventually the three of them come downstairs, Melanie hugs me and says thanks. Haley and Chelsea were making jokes saying how ‘cool’ I was. It is a bit of an inside joke, but I always say how cool Harry is when he tells Malfoy ‘You wish’ and ask them how cool it would be if I did (something very uncool which might have at one point been hip to a small group of people). At first, I brushed over the cool comments acting like they weren’t part of the conversation. Eventually Haley said something like ‘I bet it feels nice to be so cool’. As a joke I said ‘that’s why I do it’. She didn’t really laugh and looked to the side and the cool comments stopped. I wonder if she got that I was joking. Anyways, we watched more of the Haunting of Bly Manor then went to sleep. In the morning I was the first one up, my dad came downstairs. I felt like he was a bit apprehensive at first but realized that I had forgiven him and mom for last night and we took the dogs to the park.

We had planned on visiting mom at the farm at around 2:30. Everyone came except Haley who mentioned she was too busy with work. We got there, saw the horses and spent time in the office. At around 5 we all drove back to the house and went out for dinner. I thought the night went well. Saturday was similar during the day. Again this night we were going out for food, this time to a place right by the farm. This was the first dinner where no-one ordered a drink. On the way back, my mom drove. As we got going, she asked if we wanted to see the farm now. No-one said anything including me. My thought was I’d prefer not to go now because I didn’t bring a jacket but if someone wants to go I’d be fine with that. Silence for a short time. She asked again and this time Haley blurted out ‘No’. It probably could have been framed better.

I heard my mom say under her breath ‘you bitches’ and she turned on the highway to head back. This is the route she does every day. She was driving fast, probably 95, weaving between cars without using turn signals and was silent. We were approaching a sharp turn and she was not slowing down. We get to the turn and she cuts the wheel and we hear the squeaking sound of the tires slipping on the pavement. Everyone is shook including me. Chelsea said ‘Jesus’ when we were skidding. We got to the end of the turn and kept going. I’m not sure what I should have done in this situation but I guess I went with trying to release the tension. I said to Chelsea something like ‘showing your true colors calling out Jesus there’. This wasn’t the first time my mom had skidded while driving. But what was different this time was in times past, she had apologized and been shook herself asking my dad to take over driving. This time, she didn’t even acknowledge what happened. Even after skidding, she accelerated back to high speeds and cut across all lanes to barely make the exit. I wonder if she did that to scare us. One time when I had just gotten my learners permit, me and Haley were sharing a car and she said something that made me angry though I don’t remember what. I slammed on the brakes and the car went from 20 to 0, then I kept going. I see some parallels here. What was going through my mind when this happened? I guess I wanted to jolt her. Say ‘stop fucking with me’. I would have been upset with myself if she actually got hurt but I guess it was a warning. I wanted to make her aware that whatever was happening needed to stop. Obviously, I wouldn’t do that now because it is dangerous and counterproductive to put both of our lives at risk over something trivial in comparison.

We got back, it was nice to be out of the car. We went inside and my parents went upstairs. I don’t remember what we spoke about when they came down. We went on another siblings walk. My sisters were talking about how reckless and unsafe she was driving. Again, I was making excuses for her but this time my heart wasn’t really in it as much. I was mostly listening. Melanie mentioned that mom had drank vodka before coming down when we got back. She could smell it on her breath. This may have been why when she came down she seemed in a better mood. Everyone was saying that if she keeps doing this they won’t get in the car with her. I think that’s a good idea. I mentioned that if she does it again I will say something like ‘I know we are safe but can you go a bit slower’? In hindsight I wouldn’t include the ‘I know we are safe’. I don’t know what I would say. What do you say to an erratic driver? The most straightforward answer is ‘the way you’re driving is scaring me, can you please slow down or pull over?’.

On this walk Haley brought up that while after Thanksgiving dad had come down to apologize, mom never did. I said he was apologizing for both of them. Haley mentioned how ever since her graduation, she had felt like she wasn’t wanted at home. Even when the riots started and she wanted to get out of the city, my parents first response was ‘Things will blow over in a few weeks. Wait it out you’ll be fine. You’re overreacting’. In the family text chat when I read this my first thought was they don’t want her coming back. Eventually my parents changed their position and she did come back, but even I still remember the texts felt harsh. I usually don’t like giving advice to people because I have no idea about the nuances of their situation, but I said to Haley something like ‘it sounds like there’s something you need to talk about – just make sure you’re coming from the right place if you do’. I was hoping she wouldn’t. I guess I was worried she only wanted to make her pain be felt rather than actively work to mend the relationship.

The next morning was Sunday. We were talking at breakfast. Haley was sleeping late. At around 11, my mom went upstairs to wake her for breakfast. She was up there longer than the time to wake someone up. After 10 minutes, my mom walks down and says ‘I’m sorry I said I didn’t want you coming home. We’re always happy when you come back’. In the back of my mind, to me the apology felt canned. But I had accepted the apology from earlier. We all got up and hugged. Haley came down shortly after crying. We had breakfast, went on a family hike, then we were taking Haley to the airport. My mom drove. I was paying attention to how she was driving the entire time. I was expecting to need to say something but to my surprise, she never went over 10 above the speed limit on the entire drive. She was using her turn signals. We got back after dropping Haley off, my mom made steak for dinner, then me and Melanie drove back to Boston. I asked Melanie if her or Chelsea told mom about the driving. She said no which means it was either Haley, dad, or mom caught herself. Either way, it was nice to see.

Anyways that is the story of this past week. What is strange is almost immediately after confronting my parents, it is like I have felt myself snap back into place. Until this past week, in the back of my mind I felt like parts of me were working at counter purposes. I was trying to be more easygoing, but I felt like I was slacking. Since confronting my parents I have felt more aligned. Maybe it is that even without my self-imposed rigidity I was still strong enough to do what needed to be done. Maybe as long as I act when necessary, it is ok to be easier on myself more generally. Maybe it was how my actions inspired those around me to try to set things right in their own way. Regardless, it has been a while since I have felt this way. Thanksgiving started as a time to celebrate a successful growing season. A time to reap the reward of seeds planted and painstakingly nurtured in times past. Today I am thankful for the time and effort I have put into growing myself into who I know I can be. Today, I am thankful that no matter how dark the times, I never gave up.