At the beginning of this year, I went out to dinner with my family to a Chinese restaurant. Recently we had gotten back from a trip, and my mom was stopped by the full body scanner. They didn’t find anything on her, but from her reaction it seems like this happens most times she goes through the scanners. After being frisked and let go, she was clearly agitated. She mentioned that the scanners sometimes go off for growths in the body. I don’t remember what I said at the time. Shortly after, I did a small amount of research into it to see if it is true and it seems like there is some truth in it. Given it happens frequently, I’m not so sure her agitation in the moment was misplaced.

As time has passed, I have been having a feeling that my mom is not doing well. Occasionally, she will latch onto a remark or comment and become possessed by anger. She will start spewing out words with the goal of causing pain. My first recollection of this happening was after Haley’s graduation. Haley made a comment about how Caroline and Caroline’s mother have a different relationship so they spoke about different things. I understand how this must have hurt. My mom spent 22 years raising her daughter and now on the weekend where she is being released to the world, from my mom’s perspective she said ‘we have a bad relationship’.

After the graduation, my mom said to Haley that she was cut off from the family and should screw off. Immediately my blood began to boil and I told here she couldn’t talk to Haley like that which prompted my mom to say I was cut off also.We walked away so Haley could get graduation pictures with her friends and find a ride back. A short time later, my dad called and said they would pick us up and drive us back. Since then, there has been a similar outburst every 1-2 years, usually right in the middle of a family vacation.

The situation at the Chinese restaurant was different from the usual anger outbursts, but for some reason I group them together. She was slurring her words, and one thought I had was maybe she was drinking before we got there. She said she knew she was sick, but wasn’t willing to go to the doctor. My sisters were tearing up, and my dad was clearly uncomfortable. He mentioned that as you get older, it is natural to be afraid of death. The entire time, I just sat there looking at her. I was upset, but I didn’t know what to say. I kept searching for words but nothing came.

Why couldn’t I say anything? I felt like I should, but everything I thought to say felt wrong. In some sense, I understood where she was coming from. Around 1 year before Marlie died, I noticed that one of her teats was swollen. It was maybe the size of a grape and regularly it would drain a mix of pus and blood. Everyone who I spoke with said I should bring her to the vet. My rationalization at first was to give it some time to go away on its own. Then my rationalization was, it hasn’t grown since I noticed it. If it grows, I’ll do something about it. Then around 10 months after I first noticed the mass, grew to the size of a baseball.

My inaction in this 10 month window is one of my biggest regrets and I don’t know that I will ever forgive myself. I knew there was something wrong, but chose to do nothing. The one excuse I remember best is when I told my parents ‘either it is nothing and will go away by itself or it’s cancer and the prognosis on older dogs with cancer is not good’. At the time, the excuse worked. Maybe this is because the argument makes sense. After all, if the course of action is the same either way why do anything? But behind this excuse, I think I was just afraid. Afraid of bad news. In the same way that a child pulls the covers over their head to hide from monsters, I hid behind this rationalization, and everything worked out worse than I thought possible.

So why couldn’t I say anything? Maybe it was because it isn’t my place. I did the exact same thing with Marlie. Who am I to criticize someone making the same decision? Still, at dinner no-one else said anything either other than my dad trying to rationalize her position. After getting back, me and my sisters discussed what happened in Haley’s room. We spoke about how Grandma Phyllis passed away at a similar age to where mom is now, the possible validity of the airport body scanner as a medical device, and how mom seemed more drunk than the drinks she had. One thing that stood out was Haley mentioned that if she were in moms position, she would probably do the same thing.

The next morning, as usual, we pretended like the night before didn’t happen. I didn’t really think about it for the next few months, until a few weeks ago. Recently, I have actively setting out to do at least 1 thing each day to make tomorrow better. At first, it was vacuuming my apartment, clearing dust off the desks, and cleaning the blinds. Then it was fixing the bed posts, the bathroom ventilation fan, and the stove exhaust fan. Now, it has been asking myself at the end of each day for 1 change tomorrow to address something I have been avoiding or that I didn’t like about today.

A few weeks ago when it was near mothers day, I asked what I needed to clean up next and for some reason the discussion at the restaurant came up. I felt that I needed to say something, but I wasn’t quite sure what. Every time I tried to figure out what to say, I felt a mental block and a push to move onto something else. Back when Marlie was sick, my friend June said an offhand comment to me on the morning walk about how I didn’t care about her. Immediately my blood began to boil and I stormed off without saying a word. I knew I needed to say something to her, but just like now the core of my being wouldn’t let me figure out what that was. Maybe some words can’t be planned out without tainting the message.

On the drive back for mothers day, I was experiencing waves of anxiety. I was trying to figure out what to say but couldn’t. The one thing I knew was that this conversation was only between me and her. In my mind, I pictured asking her to come with me possibly to her room, closing the door, then saying whatever I needed to say. When I got back, I opened the door to find my dad was outside grilling steaks and my mom and Buddy were in the kitchen. I had a feeling that now was the time. Usually we catch up when I come back, but this time after a few words I said. ‘There’s something I need to say. At the Chinese restaurant you said you weren’t doing well and I just want to say that I want you to go to the doctor. I have been in a similar position and decided not to act and it has been one of my greatest regrets and I care about you and if you want someone to go with you I will’.

So that was what I needed to say. The thought came to me while writing this that as hypocritical as it is, maybe only a smoker can speak with full force when they tell someone to never start. If at the restaurant she had said she was diagnosed with cancer and was choosing not to get treatment, I feel I would understand. I recognize there is strength and nobility in embracing death when it is time. It may even be that life can only be truly appreciated and understood once the end becomes visible. But staying stuck in the limbo of assuming the worst but being too afraid to check made my fear a reality and robbed me of precious time. And I never want that to happen again.

Going forward, I will aim to be more cognizant when something stands out to me as needing to be done and I will aim to address it as soon as possible. If something stands out and I choose to do nothing, maybe the reason is because of fear or avoidance or maybe it is because there is actually nothing that needs to be done. Regardless, it is important to find out. By being pro-active, I hope to give myself more time to address any possible situation that arises, prevent it from getting worse, and be assured that I have done what I can.