Recently, I have been going back through the lectures on the significance of the biblical stories. A few days ago, I started the story of Sodom and Gomora. In the story, Sodom is a city filled with people committing a grievous sin. Because Lot showed himself to be worthy of saving in the eyes of the 2 strangers, they gave him warning that the city would be destroyed. Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the Plain; escape to the mountain, lest thou be swept away.

Lot and his family escaped the city, but as they were leaving his wife turned back for one last look on her home. In the back of her mind, I think she knew that glancing back was a bad idea. Possibly even a sin. But this was where her life was. Where she had raised her 2 daughters. Probably where she herself was raised. Perhaps she wanted to close the chapter in her life with a farewell. Or maybe she wanted to keep the possibility of turning all the way around and going back to her house alive. Maybe it was some of the first and some of the second. Or maybe she didn’t even really know why she did it, she just did. In the end, I don’t think the reason mattered, her fate was to become a pillar of salt. Why a pillar of salt instead of stone? Because salt will be washed away with the next rainfall. It is there for a time and then quickly forgotten.

Admittedly, this isn’t a segment that I really way to write about. The main reason is because I am ashamed of my weakness in recent times. It would be much easier to throw a rug over everything and pretend it doesn’t exist. And honestly, I feel like I would get away with it for some time. And by get away with it, I mean I don’t think my life will radically change. It is more like I will lose what or who I could still be. Anyways, there is a reason this particular story has glimmered to me. As far as I can tell, I am engaging with the same sin that Lot’s wife did. Hopefully by dragging all of this out and confronting it, I will be able to break free and move forward.

Even though I said I wouldn’t wait, ever since the break up a few months ago I have latched onto the hope that maybe she would reach out again and say she wanted to try things out again. When I am tired or when I start living improperly or even just randomly, I find myself saying her name. I am only saying it to myself, but I guess I would describe the tone like I am calling out for help but it is just her name. Then the next day when I am upset with myself, I say ‘damn you XXX’. ‘I hate you XXX’. ‘I hate me’. Then a moment of silence. What is the full sentence form of what is behind it? ‘XXX come back to me’. ‘Damn you XXX for leaving me in this pit’. ‘I hate how I’m feeling and that I’m acting how I am’.

It isn’t exactly that I believe what I am saying. What is it like? The first similar memory which comes to mind is some time ago, a friend came to visit my old apartment when Marlie was still with me. At the time, the vet had already recommended that I do surgery to remove the tumor in her teat and I had said no. Though that isn’t fully correct. Originally I said yes, and my dad said he thought it was a mistake at which point I called back the vet and said no. Looking back on it, I think that ended up being the ‘right’ choice of the two options. But a more right choice would have been getting the lump checked out as soon as I noticed it. Anyways, at the time I was not doing well. He asked me what all the stains on the bed sheets were. Marlie usually slept on the bed with me and somewhat regularly her teat would bleed. I told him it was that and I said something like ‘I can’t wash the bedding every day’. I don’t know if I actually said it, but for some reason in my mind I feel like I at least implied ‘once she passes away, then I will clean’. Then I will carry on.

One curiosity which most stood out to me at the time was that life felt frozen. I would tell myself ‘once she passes, I will do XXX’. In the back of my mind, I think part of me even wanted her to die. Like I was waiting for her to die before I could live. Sometimes when I would drive back from the office, I would brace myself, almost expecting to find her dead when I opened the door to the apartment. When I was engaging in small talk or sitting in a meeting, there were times when the thought would cross my mind that everyone is dealing with a tragedy of some sort. How are we all just sitting here pretending everything is fine? The first answer that comes to mind is compartmentalization. Though as far as I can tell, a more correct answer is making sure to do everything I can to address potential tragedies as soon as I notice them. At least if I do that, I can live knowing I tried.

Why is this the first memory that comes to mind? I used the pain of my circumstance to put my life on hold and evoke pity from others. One thought which has crossed my mind is the mom of my friend who came to visit is very sick. But I have never once seen him use that as an excuse. And with Marlie I was doing exactly that to evoke pity from him and justify my inaction. I keep telling myself that ‘I just need to get back on the path and be perfect for 1 month, then I can go on dates, start looking into new roles, etc’. There’s always a reason or excuse not to move forward. My dog is sick. The entire country is in lockdown. I just got dumped. I ate carbs when I wasn’t ‘supposed’ to. And every time my reason is an excuse it is like I am placing a wall in the way of where I want to be. Like a part of who I could be is being frozen in a pillar of salt.

Maybe the only difference between then and now is now I am telling excuses to myself. ‘It isn’t my fault. She is the one who left me like this. It’s ok to be sad for some time. It’s ok to take some time off, I’m in pain. Anyone would do that’. Only whatever this is, is not ok. I wonder if this is what is meant by the idea of getting in your own way. One statement which stood out from One Punch Man was ‘If you have the time to break down, you’re better off moving forward’. Why does this stand out? Maybe breaking down actually drains energy from what I could be doing. It is ok to be upset by something, but the reason for negative emotions is to tell me when something isn’t right so I can figure out what needs to be done. Engaging with negativity beyond that only leaves me drained and less able to take on the day.

Look not behind thee. Don’t make excuses. Move forward. Keep my eyes focused. Shed what can be shed.