Around 2 weeks ago while I was thinking at the dog park, a guy walked up to me. We spoke for a bit about lasers and he mentioned how in measured doses looking at the sun can actually be good for your eyes. He used to be a programmer and now works in business administrations. He mentioned how that evening he was hosting a walking meditation close by. It would be the first session but he said I was welcome to go. For some reason I felt like I should go. Maybe it would bring me one step closer to finding what I’m looking for. I reached out to the person I was seeing because I knew she liked doing these types of activities and we went together.

When we arrived, we saw only the guy who spoke to me slowly walking in circles chanting something. I would say it was an unnerving start to the event. I was wondering if anyone else would show up or if it would only be us. The three of us chatted for a short time about what the plan for the event was and how he got into Buddhism. I don’t remember the details but in general, I felt a bit uneasy and I think he felt uneasy also. Eventually other people showed up including a Buddhist monk which made me feel like it was a real event and having other people around helped me feel less on edge. We did a short 15 minute walking meditation and the event ended. The guy asked for our numbers for future events. I gave mine and we left.

On the walk out, me and the person I was seeing spoke about how it was. We both agreed that we liked the monk. She was a bit sketched out by the other two. In particular, the guy who had approached me asking me to go. I had noticed when we arrived that he needed to cut his nails but she told me they were actually fake nails. And when she asked him about his family, he was dodgy sometimes referring to his wife and sometimes his ‘partner’. He had incongruencies which I think was why I felt uneasy talking to him. Still, I try not to draw conclusions about people. I don’t remember what I said, but I think I focused on how she liked the experience as a whole.

I don’t remember how long after it was. Maybe the next day, I was sitting at the dog park and the guy walked over to me and sat down. He told me I have great posture, I said something like ‘thanks I try’. The he was talking about different meditation sitting styles. He mentioned half lotus and showed me that and said the pros do full lotus which he can’t do. I asked if there was a benefit to one over the other. He mentioned some of it is for bragging rights (paraphrasing). Eventually, he asked for my last name. He said ‘I have your first name but for my contact, what’s your last name’. I told him and confirmed I got his last name correct. When he texted me, he sent ‘NAME/NAME2’. I figured NAME2 was his last name so I used that. I don’t exactly know how to phrase what he said. It was something like ‘NAME2 is my first name. You know how transgenders change their name. But I’m not going to have a sex change haha’. I didn’t exactly know what he meant so I asked what I should call him. I don’t remember the conversation, but his contact in my phone uses his first name not NAME2. Eventually, he got up to leave and said ‘see you tomorrow.’ I said ‘see ya’ and he left.

That evening, the person I was seeing sent me a text mentioning she did some digging and found out he has a wife and also she found an article he had written. The article was bizarre. What stands out most from it is his self described suppressed homoerotic tendencies. I said back ‘that’s going in the bucket of information I don’t know what to do with’. On our next date, I mentioned how I felt like I didn’t want to run into this guy again. I wouldn’t actively avoid him, but the ‘see you tomorrow’ bothered me. At the same time, something about feeling like I didn’t want to see him again felt wrong. How do I describe it? I guess it is something like I feel bad because actively not wanting to run into someone feels wrong. Well that isn’t an answer. Why does actively not wanting to run into someone feel wrong? I guess because it is a form of hiding and problems should be faced head on. And honestly, he hasn’t really done anything wrong. He is just talking to me.

Anyways, my foot was still in pretty bad shape so I continued going to the dog park. Maybe it was 2 days since I ran into him. On day 3, as I was leaving the dog park, I was walking to the car and he saw me and said hey. We were going in opposite directions. He asked if he could walk with me for a bit. I said sure but I was leaving. He said something like I haven’t seen you for a few days, I mentioned I was trying to come earlier and when he was running into me later, I was late that day. Shortly after I saw him, the path splits into 2. One only to the parking lot, the other staying in the park. He started walking with me into the parking lot. When we got to where the parking lot starts, I stopped and continued the conversation there. We spoke for a while, maybe 30 minutes. He mentioned how he was looking for a table tennis partner, and asked if I wanted to play. Asked if I wanted to smoke pot with him. Asked if I wanted hockey gear. Eventually I left, though I felt the drive to leave earlier but I don’t really like leaving in the middle of a conversation. This is something I should fix. Going forward, I will aim to end the conversation myself when I want to leave.

Next time I ran into him, I was trying to run the loop again. I was taking it more slowly and when I got to the park, I ran some sprints up a hill. He showed up midway through my workout and was started giving me a countdown for the next sprint. I followed it. When I finished, I mentioned how I hurt my foot recently and sprints are supposedly easier on joints so I was seeing if I could get back to exercising. I mentioned I have a doctor appointment and ran off.

The doctor told me to take it easy for 2 more weeks, but my foot has been feeling better so I decided to start walking the loop instead of sitting at the dog park. The next morning, I start doing the walk earlier in the morning. When I get by the dog park, I see him already sitting there. I waved and he didn’t wave back. I continued the walk. Maybe 1 minute later, he bikes up beside me and said ‘I thought you were going to sit with me’. I told him I’m walking the loop now. He walks with me for an hour. He was talking about smoking pot and learning from the medicine. Eventually he looks at his phone, says he needs to go, and bikes back the opposite direction we were walking.

Maybe the next morning, as I’m walking by the dog park I see him at the area where we did the walking meditation dancing by himself. I wave, he waves. I keep walking. I felt a bit of anxiety for the rest of the walk. I didn’t really feel like talking to him. The person I was seeing broke up with me and I wanted to focus on coming to terms with that. The next morning, I am walking earlier again. I walk past the dog park and don’t see him. As I’m ending the walk, I get 2 texts. ‘Good morning!’ and ‘Please join me for lambada at the park’. For the first text, I checked because I thought it might be the person I was seeing. It was rather disappointing seeing that. I didn’t look at the second text until I got back to my place where I looked up what lambada was.

I got back ‘Hey. Not really my thing haha. Have fun!’. I thought about saying ‘I finished the loop’ and other reasons but even if I didn’t finish the loop, I wouldn’t have wanted to lambada with him. Until this, he was mostly asking if I wanted to do friendly activities like Ping pong and smoking. I felt on edge and said no, partially because something felt off and partially because of the article he wrote. In the back of my mind, one thought that has crossed my mind is I wouldn’t trust him not to drug me if we met up in a non-public area. But how can I be sure that I’m not only seeing what I expect to see based on his article? Judging someone from an article feels wrong. Especially given I do writings here which I would prefer not be used to make sweeping judgements about me. When I’m writing, I’m trying to figure things out. It’s not like my beliefs are set in stone.

Anyways, I sent that and he didn’t get back. I didn’t run into him yesterday. Today, I was getting close to the end of the loop and he biked up to me and said hey. In the back of my mind I was wondering if he was biking looking for me or just doing a loop. In my opinion, he was looking for me because while he stayed on the bike for a bit, eventually he hopped of and was walking next to me. I asked how the dancing was. I don’t remember what he said. I mentioned it is probably good exercise. The conversation fell silent a few times. One interesting thing he mentioned was that trees figure out the seasons using the amount of daylight, not the temperature outside. It’s a good idea, but I never considered it. We got to the part of the path where I branch off to the road and I stopped.

He asked if I had needed to go or had a few minutes to talk. I said I had a bit. He was telling me about the idea how mushrooms breathe oxygen and exhale CO2 kind of like people and unlike other plants. How we are deeply connected to them. He mentioned how it is important to be in a good frame and starting with pot helps identify any underlying issues instead of going straight to ayahuasca. The he asked me if I have any mental disorders. I said something like ‘I have issues like most people but I wouldn’t call them disorders’. He said I seem very balanced and healthy in all aspects. He asked if my family is very balanced. I asked for clarification. I don’t remember what he said, but I said not really. He asked if my dad was very attractive or my grandpa on my moms side. I said ‘I like my dad’. He apologized for being pressing and mentioned he has a number of mental issues he is working through. I don’t remember what I said. Eventually I said something like ‘well it’s always interesting hearing about different perspectives on the world’, put Pico’s leash on and walked around him. He asked if I do the loop most weekdays and if it usually takes around 2 hours. I said yes and left.

I had the idea to write this out just before he biked up to me this morning. Why? I don’t exactly know. There have been a number of people who I have walked the loop with regularly. What is different? In some sense it feels like he is timing his day to make sure that he runs into me. When I was at the dog park, he would show up while I was there. When I started walking the loop, he was already there and I feel like he was waiting for me because he biked over and walked with me when I didn’t stop at the park. Today, when I was walking, he biked over to me and started walking.

I think this is what stands out the most to me. In some ways it feels a bit like he is stalking me. Adapting himself to my routines and looking for me when he thinks I’ll be there. Though I don’t feel particularly threatened. Maybe he is just a guy looking for friends during this extended lockdown. Either way, I will keep a closer eye on him and next time I feel like he is hitting on me, I will let him know I’m not gay.